TABLE OF CONTENTS 01. A Hot Girl Kept Feeding Me Boigahs Until I Got Sleepy 02. Valuables 03. my son (a graph) 04. The Person That Has All The Potions 05. two full-grown adults riding on a single electric scooter together, having a loud argument 06. Symbiosis 07. twinning 08. A really really cool song plays when you're running across the tundra 09. when you don't have the internet, you can do this! 10. I'm Gonna Fight My Enemy This Time |
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A Hot Girl Kept Feeding Me Boigahs Until I Got Sleepy a hot girl kept feeding me boigahs until I got sleepy then she kept trying to make out with me while I was falling asleep. she said she likes it when the girls she makes out with are full of boigahs. I don't know how true that is, but they were bogo. they were buy one, get one free. the hot girl bought em all and then she got all the rest free. I finally fell asleep and dreamed about some mummies trying to rob a bank. I woke back up and the hot girl was still trying to make out with me. as we were making out, she was on her phone. she was dialing 1-800-BOGO-BOIGAHS. I fell back asleep again and she entered my dream through my mouth. I was dreaming that I was falling asleep at my job at the bank. she came in and kept trying to make out with me at my job at the bank, but I was worried about making out with someone while on the clock. I didn't wanna get fired because I needed the money to get new tires for my bicycle that I had used to bike to her apartment back in the awake world. (I've been saving up for a bicycle that can ride itself) she says I should take all the trash from my job home so she could use it for an abstract sculpture that she's been working on. I asked her to explain the abstract sculpture using only words and sentences but before she could get to the third vague shape description, the mummies finally showed up to rob the bank and then I woke up again. when I woke back up, there was this hot girl making out with me. I told her I had to bike home, so that I could dream on my own mattress by myself. she reminded me that my bicycle had two flat tires from when we were bicycling down the jones falls and we ran over a bag of broken glass that an old polish lady had dropped in the road because she had gotten startled because she thought she had seen the apparition of her long lost lover stepping out of a toyota corolla... the hot girl told me she would call me an uber. I told her I was allergic to yams but then she said uber again and then I understood what word she said. the uber driver took the most imaginary route to my destination. it was like he did the whole thing upside down. on the car radio, I heard a news report: apparently interpol is hunting down a hot girl because her abstract sculptures contain too many illegal vibes. when I got home and exited the uber, I accidentally left all of my leftover boigahs still sitting in the back seat. I tried to call uber to retrieve my lost luggage, but the driver had apparently disappeared immidiately after he drove away from my house and nobody ever heard from him ever again... the next morning, I felt so bloated from the night before. on the phone, the hot girl says she can put me in touch with a boigah doula. |
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valuables I keep all of my most expensive and valuable items in front of the front door to my apartment this way, if any burglars were to rob me, they don't need to rummage through my entire house they don't have to pull out all my dresser drawers they don't have to go through my whole closet they don't have to pull all the books off the shelf looking for some kind of secret compartment in and out in five minutes or less many many thieves enter my apartment weekly and, upon the realization that there will be no challenge or mystery to be found here, simply turn around and leave |
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my son (a graph) the subaru is only parked two blocks away, but my son doesn't want to walk an extra block and a half this orange line represents how far we have to walk the blue line represents how long my son is willing to listen to me talk before he stops paying attention my son declares that if he could just turn into a wheel (which is his life's dream) that he could finally just roll the two blocks to the car but then... he wouldn't need to use the car then right? because he'll be a wheel?? but no no he says that's not the point and that i don't understand him i guess it's a generational thing? times were simply different when i was growing up... my son's favorite hobby is watching a cooking show hosted by people who decided to become pop stars a week ago and already have a record deal lined up i love my son but he's the worst right now he's just sitting around watching this show, but one day he will be a big, admirable wheel who will bring a great positive change to this world we live in the purple line represents how long it will take him to learn how to do his own dang laundry for once the green line represents how long it will take him to bring a great positive change to this world we live in i go get the car and loop around the block i'm double-parked out front the other cars honking remind me that when he's my age, cars won't exist anymore so i can't be that mad at him |
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The Person That Has All The Potions Sorry I'm late, guys! I had to find my cool hat that lets everyone know that I'm the person that has all the potions. I brought all the magic potions I could carry! So if anyone needs any potions at any point, let me know! :-) I also brought a glasses repair kit, a 8GB flashdrive, a pencil sharpener, a spoke key for adjusting bike wheels, and a gun. Just in case we need any of those. But mostly I just have all these potions. |
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two full-grown adults riding on a single electric scooter together, having a loud argument they still have to trust eachother enough to navigate the streets and not crash they're so pissed at eachother but they can't allow themselves to be so pissed that they endanger both of their lives or make a wrong turn |
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Symbiosis There's a fungus growing on my foot and I worry that it will soon be more me than I am. I frolicked outside with a wet sock for too long and now I've got a foot fungus that I'm worried will grow so large that it will be more me than me. Once the fungus grows large enough, it will become the basis for a small religion. Many will call this a "cult", but I would just call it a small religion. I myself won't be a member of this religion, but I will stand by their right to base an entire spiritual movement entirely around my foot if it helps them find community and belonging. It's not really about my foot, exactly. It's more about the fungus, which is an entirely different entity altogether really. It just happens to live on my foot. My foot is its house. NOTE TO SELF: maybe change "foot" in the story to "hand" or something. I just feel like that might work better and make things easier, logistically The church of my hand fungus convenes on mondays. At first, I will resist having a gaggle of people following me around everywhere once a week. I will try to go about my errands and goings-on, but eventually I will realize it's simply easier to schedule mondays as the day I have a congregation conducting ceremonies and special practices in my vicinity. I will have to lie to my boss about why I need off on mondays now, but she will already have been suspicious, considering how many of these people had been showing up to the store unannounced just to follow me around once a week and set up little prayer circles in the fitting rooms, set up little altars on the jewelry display cases. They won't actually care about me, my personality, or my involvement. I will only appear in passing during a few passages in their scripture. I will be more like a small cameo, a necessary plot device that gets brushed over once it's served its purpose. They'll probably discuss whether it would be best to just kill me and/or attempt to extract the fungus, but I assume they'll decide the risk to the fungus is too high. I'll finally get fed up with all of this years later, when the leader of the church eventually tells me to clear my schedule for Saturday the 23rd so that I can attend a "cult fair." It's like a job fair or a career fair, but for cults looking to recruit new members. Everyone's got their little booths and tables set up and everything. (Huh. I guess maybe they are just a cult?) Me and the leader will get into a whole fight because I was planning to go to my crush's specifically-themed birthday party that same day. And things will be going very well with this crush so I will definitely want to show up! (The party theme will be that we all have to dress up like our favorite Keanu Reeves movie. It's not that you dress up like his character in the movie, you have to dress up like the movie itself.) That's when I'll finally break ties with the cult and change addresses. This schizm will end up escalating the cult into a doomsday cult, which felt inevitable. I'll end up spending years in therapy unpacking how I feel guilty and responsible for all the deaths, etc. But anyway none of that has happened yet. That's still a few years away. For now, the fungus just itches real bad. But it's annoyingly ironic because the fungus is growing on my scratching hand! How do you scratch the hand that scratches?? Who scratches the scratchers? NOTE TO SELF: maybe change "fungus" to something a little less gross so people don't get all grossed out. The leech that has attached itself to my hand and refuses to let go doesn't say much but I think I've become endeared to him. My boss thinks that I should do something about it because it might freak out the customers but I just tell customers that he's my emotional support animal. It is becoming a problem, though, that he keeps drooling a bit and I keep getting blood on the merchandise and the POS system... NOTE TO SELF ok maybe that's worse? maybe we should just switch back to the fungus. A customer came in today who was very fascinated by the fungus on my hand and asked if she could get a closer look. She grabbed my arm and pulled out a magnifying glass and inspected. NOTE TO SELF oh no... ok, so now I miss the leech. I kinda liked him. hm, ok. I think I've got it. The curious customer looked up from her magnifying glass and said that she's never seen a river leech and a robust fungal infection living in such happy symbiosis on the same hand before! Wow! Someone should write a book about it! Yeah, you know, we have our struggles, but we get along pretty well. Like a little family. She said she wants to tell some of her pals about it. She knows some people who would be very interested. What, are they, like... in a little club or something? That's cute! No one does clubs anymore. |
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twinning if a straight couple has the same haircut, are they gay? |
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A really really cool song plays when you're running across the tundra. You can't hear it though. But everyone else can when they watch you run. The bassline expecially, is like, really good. But I imagine most people's favorite part would be when the 90's jungle breakbeat kicks in. The people searching for you can hear it, too. But their version is slightly different because it's kind of more about them than you. A really beautiful, heartwrenching song plays when your mom worries about you and wonders what you're up to whenever you don't call. The lighting and camera angles are really well-crafted when you finally manage to find warmth and shelter from your ordeals, but you don't notice them because you're preoccupied, obviously. No music plays and the lighting is bad when I stand alone in my bathroom and can't figure out what to do next. A really clever narrative metaphor occurs when our fight scene reaches its climax and I realize that I was wrong -- it's not that you think I'm annoying because you're projecting your feelings onto me! But rather, I'm just actually annoying. A catchy little jingle plays whenever you finally find the strength to overcome your obstacles. Sometimes, the really cool song still plays in my headphones when I'm cooking, even though we haven't spoken in several years. |
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when you don't have the internet, you can do this! (i can't actually show you what it is, because you DO have the internet.) (but i promise you would love it and if you could see it, it would motivate you to also not have the internet) (once you finally contact your internet service provider to cancel your account, hit me up and i'll show you) (you'll have to call me or show up in person, though, because neither of us will be able to send or read an e-mail) |
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I'm Gonna Fight My Enemy This Time I'm gonna do it. She shows up everywhere I am and slaps everyone in the face with her dirty, filthy hair. I'm gonna do it I'm gonna go fight her. She uses her hypnosis powers to lead otherwise-reasonable dykes astray from their goals and values. Ugh, there she is! The feds paid her to hit on my ex and sneeze on my roommates. I'm about to go fight her this time. I keep saying it, but I mean it this time. * My enemy doesn't know who I am, or that she is my enemy. |
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